This past week

This past week has been a very intense week for me. alot of tears, alot of hurt, alot of not fun stuff.... and thats life sometimes and i know that God is using every situation to help me think and grow. so its amazing how he does that. however this week has not been easy at all.....

see i have been disconnected from my emotions and disconnected from my session and its been hard. and this week was hard cuz i received quite a few blunt, honest, harsh words from someone really close to me and i didnt receive them well at all. but i have been thinking about some of the stuff my friend said and you know what... some of the stuff she said was right. i have been spending too much time putting the blame on other people that i havent stopped to examine my life and my heart and see what i have to do to change. another thing that she said was that i was letting things affect me that shouldnt affect me. for the past month i have been letting everything get to me, and even if it wasnt something bad, i would make it out in my mind that it was bad. and on Friday i was thinking about why i would do that. and i guess the only thing i can think of is that before holly left, i knew it was gonna be hard for me and i would feel lonely and i had no faith that the session would reach out to me... so i already have this negative thoughts in my mind, so in a way i made it come true. now that this is happened, i just dont know where to go. i feel like i am at a dead end street, with nowhere to go. i have put myself in this situation and i dont know how to get out of it....

i have been lacking intimacy with the Lord (again, that is my fault) and struggling to hear him, so it makes it especially hard cuz i am finding it hard to reach out to him cuz i cant find him at the moment. so here i am, at a dead end street feeling like there is nowhere to go. so where to from here? i dont really know. i guess the process of getting back to a good place has started with me trying to reconnect myself with the session. on Friday night i spent 1.5 hrs with Dawn in the WR and that was really valuable to me. then i went to Metrotown with becky and matt on sat and then today some of us watched a movie.

I am still trying to process some of the stuff my good friend told me.... but i think i have to let go of any hurt that i am feeling and realise that she does this because she loves me. she tells me how it is because she wants and desires to see me grow. she never intends to harm me, and i know that. just need to walk out in it.

so where to from here??? any ideas???

sorry if this blog is a bit messy... i just cant get my thoughts straight bout my life... its annoying!!!!