Thoughts, thoughts and more thoughts

It's 1am. i sit here having just finished cleaning my room cuz my beautiful roommate is coming home. but i cant stop thinking about tonight. it was such a crazy intense night. tonight showed me alot of things and it was good. Knee Drill was great!! Olivia gave a word of correction about how there is unconfessed sin in 614, so we spent some time in prayer and spent some time confessing to people. i confessed my sin to Jenea. the one i had to confess was lack of love. lack of love for my session mainly. and i hated confessing it and i hate the fact that this is a problem for me, cuz i dont want it to be. the people in my session are all amazing and all unique and all beautiful people. but even after i confessed to Jenea and she prayed for me, i still felt horrible. so i went and sat over in a corner and just cried alot. then Lynn, one of my session mates came over and i talked to her. i knew i had to confess bitterness to someone that i loved alot. its funny cuz this person doesnt come to knee drill too often and this is the first time in awhile they were there, so it was good.

so i went over to this person and confessed the bitterness and resentment i had felt towards her for awhile now and i cried the whole 20 mins i was talking to her. not just cuz of what i had to confess, but just talking to her made me realise something.

these last 3 months have been the crappiest, hardest, most growing months of my whole life and its just sucked sooo bad to have to live them. it started with my friend Denneil passing away, then Holly had to go home and just lots of feelings of rejection, lonliness and things like impatience, frustration and lots of tears were all part of my 3 months. i was sooo hard to live with, i feel kinda sorry for my session mates who had to walk through this time of life with me. but when sooo much change happened and all this stuff happened, God was the only thing i could rely on. it took me a little while to actually learn this lesson, but this is what God wanted to teach me. and i had to learn it, the hard way. if i could go back and change anything, i dont think i would.... well Denneil still being alive would be nice, but i probably wouldnt even change that. everything that has happened over this yr, esp the past 3 months was hard and crap, but i grew... ALOT. so i wouldnt change any of it. so confessing and talking to my friend tonight was sooo good and made me realise alot of stuff. and i received some more joy back into my life, so thats cool.

this blog is a bit all over the place, but i hope it makes sense.