Does anybody actually care? that is the question on my lips. i have had a really hard week. just with holly being gone and that really sinking in, its been hard. and for those of u around me that see me, know that this is a tough thing for me. but does anybody actually care? has anybody bothered to come see me this week just to say hey and see how i am going? NO. has anybody asked me whether i am ok when clearly something is wrong? NO. has anybody extended their hand to me to help me out this week?NO.
and its hard.... its really hard. i dont like asking for help and i am getting better, but sometimes i just need that little bit of help from others. community is designed so that we are there for each other and so that when someone else is struggling, we can help them up. when someone else is hurting, we pray for each other. especially this community. if u have been in this community or seen this community, u know that it is designed for this. so why am i not seeing this? why is it so hard for everyone else to come and knock at my door to say hi and make sure i am doing ok. i dont have answers to these questions, all i know is that i am struggling and no one has lended their hand of support to me.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Friday, March 30, 2007
Legalistic or just following the rules?
hey everyone,
this is one where i need people's opinions. i am curious as to see what people think. so we have this rule at war college where we arent allowed junk food during the week. and i got really convicted of not following that rule so this week is my 1st week of actually following that rule. cuz i mean, a rule is a rule right?
so its friday morning, early morning ( 2:12am to be exact) and i had one of those foot long fruit roll thingys and i opened it and i am like "wait a minute, this is junk food isnt it?" to one of my session mates and she is like "yeah but u can have junk food on fridays" and i am like "yeah but after we finished fasting, then we can have junk food" ( technically the start of our weekend is 3:00 when we finish fasting). and she is like " but its friday and you are allowed junk food." and i am like " not yet, only at 3:00, cuz thats what the rule says" and then said ( i think kinda half jokingly) "ok if u wanna be all legalistic about it".
i dont think i am being legalistic, i think i am just following the rule. cuz i am intentionally breaking the rule and being very aware of it, and i havent got a reason to. just cuz i have some junk food in my hand doesnt mean i should eat it. there is a fine line between legalism and breaking rules. and i think too often we call following rules legalism and we call legalism following the rules. how do u know where that line is?
so what do u guys say... was i being legalistic or was i just following the rule?
this is one where i need people's opinions. i am curious as to see what people think. so we have this rule at war college where we arent allowed junk food during the week. and i got really convicted of not following that rule so this week is my 1st week of actually following that rule. cuz i mean, a rule is a rule right?
so its friday morning, early morning ( 2:12am to be exact) and i had one of those foot long fruit roll thingys and i opened it and i am like "wait a minute, this is junk food isnt it?" to one of my session mates and she is like "yeah but u can have junk food on fridays" and i am like "yeah but after we finished fasting, then we can have junk food" ( technically the start of our weekend is 3:00 when we finish fasting). and she is like " but its friday and you are allowed junk food." and i am like " not yet, only at 3:00, cuz thats what the rule says" and then said ( i think kinda half jokingly) "ok if u wanna be all legalistic about it".
i dont think i am being legalistic, i think i am just following the rule. cuz i am intentionally breaking the rule and being very aware of it, and i havent got a reason to. just cuz i have some junk food in my hand doesnt mean i should eat it. there is a fine line between legalism and breaking rules. and i think too often we call following rules legalism and we call legalism following the rules. how do u know where that line is?
so what do u guys say... was i being legalistic or was i just following the rule?
Monday, March 26, 2007
Sold out for God.
For the past couple of weeks God has been speaking to me about a couple of hard topics. and one of them is about being completely sold out for God.... and i have been giving a couple of hard hitting verses to go along with this thought.... and they are:
Luke 9:61,62- Still another said, "I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good-bye to my family." Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."
AND......
Luke 14:25-27- Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.
These verses have been hitting pretty hard. For me, it was hard to move to Canada, and thats just for a year. When i go home, it will be different and stuff, but i am looking forward to going home. i love my friends and i love my family and there is no other place i would rather be than in Brisbane. I want to be completely sold out to God and that means if God tells me to move away again, i need to be willing to. I need to get to that place of saying God is all i need and i know that he will provide friends for me along the way. God is a faithful God and i need to hold onto that. There is a part of me that is really insecure and is scared that once i move away from people, they wont be my friends anymore and i dont wanna think about that. the friends i have are friends for a reason and thats because i love them heaps and heaps.
But i wanna be sold out for God and trust that he knows best.... and i am coming to that place.... still not there, but i am coming to that place. needless to say, these verses are soooo hard hitting and very hard to read, but it is God's word and i need to take it as that and just trust God.
Luke 9:61,62- Still another said, "I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good-bye to my family." Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."
AND......
Luke 14:25-27- Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.
These verses have been hitting pretty hard. For me, it was hard to move to Canada, and thats just for a year. When i go home, it will be different and stuff, but i am looking forward to going home. i love my friends and i love my family and there is no other place i would rather be than in Brisbane. I want to be completely sold out to God and that means if God tells me to move away again, i need to be willing to. I need to get to that place of saying God is all i need and i know that he will provide friends for me along the way. God is a faithful God and i need to hold onto that. There is a part of me that is really insecure and is scared that once i move away from people, they wont be my friends anymore and i dont wanna think about that. the friends i have are friends for a reason and thats because i love them heaps and heaps.
But i wanna be sold out for God and trust that he knows best.... and i am coming to that place.... still not there, but i am coming to that place. needless to say, these verses are soooo hard hitting and very hard to read, but it is God's word and i need to take it as that and just trust God.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
2 wrongs dont make a right
So i am sure everyone heard this saying, especially when they were a kid. my parents always said it to me, but its only been in the past 3 yrs that i have really been thinking about what this means and yesterday it came up again. In cell, we got onto the topic of capital punishment. now i think capital punishment is wrong. i have come to this conclusion not only on m own opinion, but i believe its biblical as well.
in Exodus, the 10 commandments were written and about the 7th one says 'Do not murder'. the definition of murder to me is taking someone else's life. so capital punishment is murder because we are taking what i believe belongs to God ( whether someone lives or dies) and using our free will.
now where does the 2 wrongs dont make a right come in? in cell, someone said that if someone else goes and murders and innocent child or something, they should be put to death. but i fully believe that 2 wrongs dont make a right. 2 murders doesnt make the situation right. in Romans 12:19 it quotes a verse from Deut 32:35 which says " do not take revenge my friends but leave room for God's wrath. For it is written 'it is mine to avenge, i will repay', says the Lord."
so how does murdering another human being leave room for God's wrath. we r taking matters into our own hands. so in saying that, i think capital punishment is wrong!! what does everyone else think???
in Exodus, the 10 commandments were written and about the 7th one says 'Do not murder'. the definition of murder to me is taking someone else's life. so capital punishment is murder because we are taking what i believe belongs to God ( whether someone lives or dies) and using our free will.
now where does the 2 wrongs dont make a right come in? in cell, someone said that if someone else goes and murders and innocent child or something, they should be put to death. but i fully believe that 2 wrongs dont make a right. 2 murders doesnt make the situation right. in Romans 12:19 it quotes a verse from Deut 32:35 which says " do not take revenge my friends but leave room for God's wrath. For it is written 'it is mine to avenge, i will repay', says the Lord."
so how does murdering another human being leave room for God's wrath. we r taking matters into our own hands. so in saying that, i think capital punishment is wrong!! what does everyone else think???
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
RAW
well we are almost done RAW and i am really tired. this time tomorrow, we will hopefully be finished. dont get me wrong, i luv RAW, but if it went for a couple of weeks, i definitely couldnt handle it. someone said to me today that she has seen me blossom over this week and that conferences are really my thing and they bring out the best in me. i agree. i have had a great time and really felt that this is my thing. i do this well.
one thing RAW has really taught me is that we are constantly pouring out, we need to be filled up. this week has been all about the teens, everything is for the teens, not for me. so when i do get a spare 30 mins, i come to the War room set up here and just lay in his presence and just soak up some Jesus. its been really beneficial.
the best thing about RAW has been the missions and cells. my group is amazing. i knew i was getting the group from Cariboo Hill before they came and i didnt really know them, but i knew they were the guys that like to dress like homeboys who sit up the back of the church. i was a bit nervous to be honest, but these guys are really cool. they are really good guys who have good hearts. their exterior may look a bit hard and intimidating, but they are not at all. its been enjoyable to see these guys fully step out of their comfort zone to talk to strangers that are totally out of it. its beautiful. these guys are capable of soooo much.... i just wish they could see how much potential they have as well. so its great. now that they actually know me, they will notice me at church!! yay!! he he.
so its been an exhausting week, but very much a good one. i have been given alot of responsibility this week in stepping up in leadership stuff.... like making sure all the meals flow and everyone gets food and sits down in an orderly fashion... also making sure ppl dont go into the auditorium when they arent allowed. kinda like security. its been fun!!!!
one thing RAW has really taught me is that we are constantly pouring out, we need to be filled up. this week has been all about the teens, everything is for the teens, not for me. so when i do get a spare 30 mins, i come to the War room set up here and just lay in his presence and just soak up some Jesus. its been really beneficial.
the best thing about RAW has been the missions and cells. my group is amazing. i knew i was getting the group from Cariboo Hill before they came and i didnt really know them, but i knew they were the guys that like to dress like homeboys who sit up the back of the church. i was a bit nervous to be honest, but these guys are really cool. they are really good guys who have good hearts. their exterior may look a bit hard and intimidating, but they are not at all. its been enjoyable to see these guys fully step out of their comfort zone to talk to strangers that are totally out of it. its beautiful. these guys are capable of soooo much.... i just wish they could see how much potential they have as well. so its great. now that they actually know me, they will notice me at church!! yay!! he he.
so its been an exhausting week, but very much a good one. i have been given alot of responsibility this week in stepping up in leadership stuff.... like making sure all the meals flow and everyone gets food and sits down in an orderly fashion... also making sure ppl dont go into the auditorium when they arent allowed. kinda like security. its been fun!!!!
Sunday, March 18, 2007
ok so Holly left on Thursday afternoon. left the room at about 5.05pm. not even 5 mins after she had gone, i was like to Juan, " u know what i feel like... Mcdonalds"( i think it was the whole comfort food thing, was kinda funny, i had just lost my roommate and wanting Mcdonalds)!! but not as funny as what juan did almost as soon as Holly left the room.... here is some photo evidence of what he was doing....
he is one strange boy. note the skirt and the jacket is clearly not his!!! and the ugly vegetales thing he has in his hand, not his either. he was missing Holly soooo much that he decided to BE holly!!! kinda scary hey!!!
oh and notice Matt E in the background in shock of what Juan is actually doing. was quite an eventful afternoon on Thursday!
he is one strange boy. note the skirt and the jacket is clearly not his!!! and the ugly vegetales thing he has in his hand, not his either. he was missing Holly soooo much that he decided to BE holly!!! kinda scary hey!!!
oh and notice Matt E in the background in shock of what Juan is actually doing. was quite an eventful afternoon on Thursday!
Thursday, March 15, 2007
I WILL MISS YOU HOLLY!!!!
these are photos of me and my beautiful roommate. Holly is sooo great. i love her and am gonna miss her sooo much. oh and there is 1 photowith Juan in it. he isnt my roommate, just so u know!!!! so here they are:
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
2 completely different, unrelated topics
hey there again.... seems weird to be blogging so close to my other blog, but i really wanted/needed to!!! 2 completely different, unrelated topics came up today. both really kinda annoying actually.
This morning i went to class and someone was singing a song. and i like "that song is so boring". and ppl are like "WHAT THE HECK, I CANT BELIEVE YOU THINK THAT SONG IS BORING." and then another thing came up ( which i cant remember what) and i pretty much got the same response. sometimes it feels like if u dont like the same stuff as other people then there is something seriously wrong with u. the way ppl sometimes make me feel is that i should like all the same things as them. should like THEIR music, should like THEIR type of food, should like THEIR type of movies etc....
well i hate it. i hate when ppl always make me feel this way, so annoying. who wants to be all the same as someone else anyway!!! thats just lame. and frankly, i dont wanna like stuff just cuz other people like it, and i dont expect ppl to like all the same stuff as me. i dont expect my North American friends to like vegemite, cuz that would be asking too much!!! so thats my little frustration today.
on a much sadder note, my roommate is leaving tomorrow. thats right. TOMORROW. she just found out today thats when her flight is. i am really upset. cuz i am gonna miss Holly alot. she is an amazing friend of mine. but also, i feel like one of my biggest fears is coming true. i am so afriad to be alone. and yes, u can give me all that christianese talk about how God is always here with us etc, and i know God should be the only one we need, but come off it. i mean he created community for a reason, to be there for each other. and yes, i have a wonderful session who loves me, but they clearly arent in my room at night. i just feel like i am going to be alone. i feel as though i may even start isolating myself. if something is wrong, Holly knows and she is here, so i talk to her alot bout it, but if something is wrong and there is no one round, i dont think i will be sorting out ppl just to lay all my problems down. but at the same time, i know there is a lesson for me somewhere, i just hate it right now. so Holly, i luv u sooooooo much, and i am gonna miss u heaps and heaps!!!!!!
This morning i went to class and someone was singing a song. and i like "that song is so boring". and ppl are like "WHAT THE HECK, I CANT BELIEVE YOU THINK THAT SONG IS BORING." and then another thing came up ( which i cant remember what) and i pretty much got the same response. sometimes it feels like if u dont like the same stuff as other people then there is something seriously wrong with u. the way ppl sometimes make me feel is that i should like all the same things as them. should like THEIR music, should like THEIR type of food, should like THEIR type of movies etc....
well i hate it. i hate when ppl always make me feel this way, so annoying. who wants to be all the same as someone else anyway!!! thats just lame. and frankly, i dont wanna like stuff just cuz other people like it, and i dont expect ppl to like all the same stuff as me. i dont expect my North American friends to like vegemite, cuz that would be asking too much!!! so thats my little frustration today.
on a much sadder note, my roommate is leaving tomorrow. thats right. TOMORROW. she just found out today thats when her flight is. i am really upset. cuz i am gonna miss Holly alot. she is an amazing friend of mine. but also, i feel like one of my biggest fears is coming true. i am so afriad to be alone. and yes, u can give me all that christianese talk about how God is always here with us etc, and i know God should be the only one we need, but come off it. i mean he created community for a reason, to be there for each other. and yes, i have a wonderful session who loves me, but they clearly arent in my room at night. i just feel like i am going to be alone. i feel as though i may even start isolating myself. if something is wrong, Holly knows and she is here, so i talk to her alot bout it, but if something is wrong and there is no one round, i dont think i will be sorting out ppl just to lay all my problems down. but at the same time, i know there is a lesson for me somewhere, i just hate it right now. so Holly, i luv u sooooooo much, and i am gonna miss u heaps and heaps!!!!!!
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Satan is a retard
well i had a really crappy week last week. it just didnt go so well and that really sucks. but do u know what? i allowed some of the stuff to happen because i felt as though Satan had a field day with me. last week at Cariboo, i think i posted bout this, but Heather pointed out a fear of failure in me and that i needed to deal with that fear of failure. so i am like sweet i will.
but last week, i did not deal with it. instead i let satan walk all over me and he pointed out many areas where i have failed, so it was hard cuz i felt like a bit of a failure, but i shouldnt have. its pretty stupid.
but on Sunday night, i went to Cariboo and had a pretty great night at Cariboo. we watched the whipping scene from passion of the Christ. well ppl that didnt want to watch it went into another room and just prayed. that was me. there was about 7 ppl that were in the room and just prayed. i had an amazing night cuz God spoke to me in a huge way, i to pray over like 2 ppl and speak sooo many words of wisdom into their lives and i even got prayer. so it was an amazing night, cuz i also got to work in my giftings by interceeding for ppl which was cool.
but God just kept telling me over and over that i was worth it and i am worthy and it was cool. i got prayer cuz i was feeling guilty cuz of some stuff, so i got some prayer off someone at Cariboo and that was really cool as well. so i had a good night.
on a not so good note, found out today that Holly ( my roommate) has to go home cuz her mum only has a few weeks to live, so i am really upset about that. bout her mum dying and bout losing my roommate. its funny how God works, cuz out of everyone in the session, i am the one that hates being alone and wants to always be round ppl, so its gonna be a huge stretch for me to be alone. so please send some prayers up for holly and her family.
but last week, i did not deal with it. instead i let satan walk all over me and he pointed out many areas where i have failed, so it was hard cuz i felt like a bit of a failure, but i shouldnt have. its pretty stupid.
but on Sunday night, i went to Cariboo and had a pretty great night at Cariboo. we watched the whipping scene from passion of the Christ. well ppl that didnt want to watch it went into another room and just prayed. that was me. there was about 7 ppl that were in the room and just prayed. i had an amazing night cuz God spoke to me in a huge way, i to pray over like 2 ppl and speak sooo many words of wisdom into their lives and i even got prayer. so it was an amazing night, cuz i also got to work in my giftings by interceeding for ppl which was cool.
but God just kept telling me over and over that i was worth it and i am worthy and it was cool. i got prayer cuz i was feeling guilty cuz of some stuff, so i got some prayer off someone at Cariboo and that was really cool as well. so i had a good night.
on a not so good note, found out today that Holly ( my roommate) has to go home cuz her mum only has a few weeks to live, so i am really upset about that. bout her mum dying and bout losing my roommate. its funny how God works, cuz out of everyone in the session, i am the one that hates being alone and wants to always be round ppl, so its gonna be a huge stretch for me to be alone. so please send some prayers up for holly and her family.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Drill
ok so i havent blogged all week, probably have more important stuff to say than this, but i really wanted to blog about this.... the other stuff from this week can just be kept in my journal.
ok i really dont like Darren Hailes right now.... dont get me wrong, i luv him soooo much. he is like a brother to me. i just dont like him. this morning we have a thing called drill, which is where we go out and we just play sport as a session. i love sport, so i love drill. the biggest reason i like it is cuz its a time when our session just forgets bout everything and just relaxes and has alot of fun just mucking around and just having fun together.... not this morning though. i hated drill.
darren was in charge of drill and he made us do this lamo circuit thing. and in Acacia's words, i will say it felt like we were training for the Olympics. it was not much fun at all. i hate drill this morning and i have come to the conclusion that if we have to do anything like that again, i am not going to drill.
but seriously, darren is a great guy and luv him heaps and heaps and he really looks out for me. just gets carried away when it comes to things like Drill. so love you Darren, just didnt like you today at all!
on another note, i am hoping to come home for like 1.5 weeks in June for a wedding, but i need some serious funding. so if anyone wants to help out with some money to get me home, it would mean the world to me. just email me at lollypop_74@hotmail.com
ok i really dont like Darren Hailes right now.... dont get me wrong, i luv him soooo much. he is like a brother to me. i just dont like him. this morning we have a thing called drill, which is where we go out and we just play sport as a session. i love sport, so i love drill. the biggest reason i like it is cuz its a time when our session just forgets bout everything and just relaxes and has alot of fun just mucking around and just having fun together.... not this morning though. i hated drill.
darren was in charge of drill and he made us do this lamo circuit thing. and in Acacia's words, i will say it felt like we were training for the Olympics. it was not much fun at all. i hate drill this morning and i have come to the conclusion that if we have to do anything like that again, i am not going to drill.
but seriously, darren is a great guy and luv him heaps and heaps and he really looks out for me. just gets carried away when it comes to things like Drill. so love you Darren, just didnt like you today at all!
on another note, i am hoping to come home for like 1.5 weeks in June for a wedding, but i need some serious funding. so if anyone wants to help out with some money to get me home, it would mean the world to me. just email me at lollypop_74@hotmail.com
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Sunday, March 4, 2007
My Reading Week
Well, if you didnt know, reading week was this past week and it was an amazing week. quite a few eventful things happened.
Firstly, my mum came on Saturday and i was soooo excited. it was soooo good to spend some time with my mum. we went up Grousse mountain and she took me shopping for new clothes ( she bought me ALOT of clothes) and took me shopping for food and totally fancied out room up, it was cool. it was great to spend some time with her and hang out.
next, jesse came. thats her in the picture with me!!!!! we had soooo much fun together. i have missed her heaps and it was great to have someone from home here to just chat to bout war college stuff cuz she just gets it. we r doing totally different stuff but she just gets it. she gets what i am going through, its cool. we had such an amazing week together, she is such a cool friend. i wouldnt have wanted to spend the time with any other friend. i love her to pieces. i am gonna miss her when she has to head back off to Charlotte, but it was really refreshing to have her here.
another interesting thing happened.... tonight we went to Cariboo Hill corps and it was such a good meeting. Michael Collins was amazing tonight and he preached amazingly and i really felt like i needed to ask someone to pray with me, so i asked Heather ( chick from Cariboo Hill) to pray with me, cuz i just felt like i sucked as a Christian. i couldnt get disciplined with my rations, i couldnt spend a long time praying, i couldnt love the people like i wanted and i couldnt be the friend that they needed. Heather pointed out that there is a fear of failure over me and that it needs to be broken off.... we prayed through that. another interesting thing.... this chick doesnt really know me, but she is cool told me she has a huge sense that i have a gift of intercession. she is only the 50 bajillionth person to tell me that!!! its huge. i think its confirmation that i have it. so we prayed through some stuff and it was cool.
all in all, its been an amazing week of spending time with my mum, hanging with jesse and having such fun times with her and sight seeing and reconnecting with God. i say thats a pretty flippin amazing week!!!!!
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